I have a friend who makes asks of everyone that, almost universally, our friend group bristles at.
I have another friend who routinely makes asks (airport pickups, childcare support, etc) that feel simply delightful to receive, even or especially when I say no.
I noticed the main difference recently: the delightful requests never leave me feeling that she’s screwed if I say no. I don’t fear that our relationship will be adversely impacted in any way. It’s clear that getting my help is just one awesome way to help her get whatever support she’s hoping for.
That leaves me feeling really free and spacious to sense if I want to say yes. I sometimes even feel honored that she asks me.
The unpleasant requests, by contrast, feel more like demands.
The ask feels less like, “If you do X, it will be so wonderful for me in Y way.”
and more like, “If you don’t do X, I won’t be able to Y.”
For example:
❌ “Can you pick us up from the airport because the kids are going to be exhausted and will have a meltdown if we get into some stranger’s car or have to wait for the train?”
Any yes feels more like a fear of the consequences of saying no.
Here are two ways to frame requests that help people receive them warmly:
Here’s why it would be meaningful to me (framed as “X → Y” not “not X → not Y, so can you X)
“Feel free to say no”
✅ “It would feel so good to be welcomed back to our new home by familiar faces. Any chance you would be available to pick us up at the airport? I’ve also asked another friend so no worries if it won’t work for you.”
Of course, authentically encouraging someone to say no if it doesn’t work for them means you need a Plan B. That doesn’t mean that you don’t want Plan A (their support); it just means you prefer Plan A but it won’t be the end of the world if you don’t get it. Actually thinking through what Plan B could be can give you a greater sense of freedom in making the request. Whether you feel free or tight making it, the recipient is more likely to feel that too.
We explore and practice delightful ways to delegate or ask for what you need in ManagerGPT: The AI Tools and Human Systems to Scale Yourself and Your Team Fast. Maven’s one-time 25% discount on our next cohort ends today at midnight Pacific time. (Code: Jack25)