I was coaching a founder last week who was encountering repeated friction and challenges with a woman on his team.
One of the most significant recurring challenges was this woman's ineffective communication, a pattern observed by multiple members of the senior leadership team.
The founder and I prepared and practiced a feedback conversation using the GAIN framework, including acknowledging how he had made the working context more difficult for her. The whole time, there was some fear underneath the surface.
Eventually he gave voice to it: “I’ve given her feedback on this before, and she has resisted it…what do I do if she does that again?”
Having this conversation with someone whose challenge is communication wasn’t making it easier on him.
How do you deal with defensiveness?
Catch it! Welcome it rather than resisting the resistance.
I see communication like a game of catch: the other person needs to actually receive and hear the feedback in order for the game to be successful.
GAIN largely focuses on throwing better so it’s easier for them to catch whatever you’re throwing, but if they are letting it bounce off them or throwing their own points back at you instead of taking yours in, it’s not a problem; it’s just time to switch roles from throwing to catching.
Then you get to understand where they are coming from. Once they feel caught, the conversation will proceed much more smoothly because
They have space to take in new information and perspective (you can imagine their hands going from full to empty)
You understand what they care about (that they were defending) and can adjust your messaging to show how it accounts for that (so they will feel more motivated)
You feel a greater sense of connection to each other
Catch with these phrases
That sounds nice, but how do you actually do that? What can you say?
Here are some phrases I offered my client to catch his colleague’s resistance:
“It sounds like there are some parts of this that aren't landing with you, and I want to understand that better.”
“Ultimately only your goals for yourself as a communicator will drive change, not mine. Tell me more about yours.”
Self-Rating: Tell me more about how you see yourself as a communicator right now. 1 to 10, where do you see yourself?
Oh, you think you're an 8? Tell me why an 8, not a 7 not a 9…
What would be possible if you were a 9 or a 10? What are the costs of being an 8, not a 9 or 10?
Your Goals + Self-Rating: Tell me more about what your goals are and 1 to 10, where you see yourself on hitting them?
Oh, you think you're an 8? Tell me why an 8, not a 7 not a 9…
What would be possible if you were a 9 or a 10? What are the costs of being an 8, not a 9 or 10?
Let's get one tiny next step for communication that's going to move the needle and then build on that (don't have to work on the whole thing right now)
A or B?
(After listening) Are you saying more
A) “I think I have nothing to work on,” or
B) “I think I have some things to work on and my perception of them differs from yours.”
Oh, it's B? Sure, so some things are working, some things could be better. Tell me about each of those.
I also encouraged my client not to play the hero and try to be the only source of feedback, even as the founder. Instead, part of his and anyone's role on a team regardless of your position is to create systems that make the team better.
As a manager: “I want to support you and create some growth and feedback systems here, which we all need. Let's solicit feedback from your colleagues based on your goals to see what impacts you’re actually having and what needs work. Would you like to solicit that directly or shall I gather it for you?”
As a team member to the team or manager: “I am noticing that we are more ad hoc in our feedback systems and I think if we get more systematic, we will grow faster individually and as a team. I don’t know the ways I’m impacting all of you and I’d like to. What cadence would make sense for all of us to share feedback with each other?”
My client emailed me a couple days later saying they’d had “a great conversation, exactly how I wanted to share it and that it was well received.” It’s not magic; it’s science + practice.
You have a tough conversation recently or coming up? Email me your challenge and I’ll reply with support.
If you’re curious to learn and practice applying this and other leadership skills–and navigate any conversation with confidence–I’m leading a Nov 8-9 weekend intensive of ManagerGPT: The AI Tools and Human Systems to Scale Yourself and Your Team Fast . We focus on hands-on building and practice with AI and other cohort members.
Questions about the course or 1on1 coaching? Email me or book a 15-min call here.